Interviewing The Candidate

Steph: Hello. How may I help you?

The Candidate: I would like your vote.

Steph: Really? Why should I choose you?

The Candidate: Because I am the best. Believe me.

Steph: Are you really? I am unaware of your qualifications. Who said so?

The Candidate: I am telling you to believe me.

Steph: Hmm… Will you work to help improve ABC or XYZ?

The Candidate: Perhaps, if it those things are in my best interest.

Steph: How do you consider the opinions, needs, reality of your challengers? And those of their supporters?

The Candidate: I do not agree with them. I will not consider their needs. I will ignore their reality. They will bend to my will and feed my appetite for glory.

Steph: What do you plan to do if you are elected? Do you have a plan to achieve your goals?

The Candidate: Of course. I plan to do lots of things. Of course, they all may not be of concern to you directly.

Steph: Of course. Tell me about your plan. Does it include ABC? Have you considered XYZ? What sets of data did you resource for your study? When? How? Why? Who? …

The Candidate: Oh, well, we don’t need to go into such detail. You just need to trust that when I get into office, I will work to protect the interests of my constituents.

Steph: You will? I am one of your constituents. Will you work to address my concerns?

The Candidate: Well, I can take your concerns under consideration. In the meantime, how much can you donate to my campaign? May I count on your vote?

Steph: Nope, bloodsucker.


The featured image for this post is a sketch I created for one of my posts written in 2011. Read “Sideburns are dark, scripted comments about character.

© 2017 Steph Abbott. All rights reserved.

I am taking part in The Write Tribe Festival of Words #6. Day 6 of the Write Tribe Festival of Words #6 and today’s prompt is: Feature a guest – a guest post / an interview. While I did not secure a guest writer or interview a real person, I outlined the high points from what I perceive the eternal interview with the candidate from hell. #writebravely #writetribe #festivalofwords

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Zombies, like mixed-metaphors, are horrific and should only be seen in moderation.

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October in Nevada brings change. Weather gets cooler. Leaves turn color. Politics get hotter. Language turns into rhetoric. People turn into zombies. Zombies, like mixed-metaphors, are horrific and should only be seen in moderation.

Zombies are fine on the silver (or the bit-streaming) screen. Zombies are fine on Halloween. It’s the zombies wrapped in political rhetoric that make me scream. In the spirit of the season, I shall demonstrate.

My current offenders are from well-funded bread and circuses and come mixed complete with mudslinging, character assassination, astroturfing and even the sacrificing of the sacred cow.

Whether the political party serves tea, coffee, wine or whisky, I believe Nevadans have traditionally favored the flavor of liberty with a splash of rugged individualism. We understand the dangers of indulging in excess and refrain from spending past our means. We realize liberty comes with a measure of responsibility.

It’s when we indulge in any particular righteous judgment in excess that we start to lose our perspective. Our judgment becomes impaired. We start to turn into zombies.

Not all Nevadans turn into slow-moving, myopic representatives of any particular political party. Most of us imbibe in party politics in moderation.  We tend to stay sober and seek leadership in the individual who will serve our interests as a community the best. This year, however, the trend is to binge and purge.

It’s those people drunk with righteous judgments that scare me the most this year.

Those who refuse to accept diversity in thought, race and religion. Those who refuse to open dialogue without campaigning. Those that stagger out of political parties, who have indulged in excess and wander the world consumed with conversion of the masses.

The scariest of all are those who seemingly trade their humanity for the sponsorship of hope. These people marketing red or blue ring my doorbell. They mail me propaganda. They send robocalls with abandon.  They network with me socially.

Whether battle born or living out of a carpet bag, we need to strip off the ideals of a lame-duck generation and broaden our focus. Then we can stop bumping into walls and tripping over the obvious. Why?

Zombies, like mixed-metaphors, are horrific and should only be seen in moderation.